From the archive of my former Russian website. Edited for this website.
When the reaction feels bigger than the event
Have you ever experienced a seemingly minor event that prompted an unusually intense reaction? For example, you forget an agreement. You had reasons, and you do not feel you have done anything seriously wrong. But the people involved will not accept a simple “Oh, I forgot!” You find yourself defending yourself and proving your innocence. Emotionally, it feels like a tribunal threatening a terrible sentence. You erupt. There are tears, pain, and a sense of injustice.
At that moment, it matters to stay in contact with your feelings: “I feel so much pressure…” Then a childhood memory appears: “That's it! My mother used to punish me by making me stand in a corner until I apologised for something I did not believe required an apology.”
The child had made a mistake in their homework or spent too long in the bath. Their mother punishes them, shouts, hits them, or makes them apologise for “their behaviour.” What does the child feel? Tears, pain, injustice. They feel that their mother does not love them.
That childhood situation can become a traumatic experience. Many emotions remain unexpressed—anger towards the mother, for example—and are suppressed. The child cannot defend themselves against the adult. A pattern forms. In Process Work, such patterns can also be explored through the idea of “dreaming”: dreaming experiences are understood to appear during the day as well as at night.
The person has grown up and may have completely forgotten the event. Yet when similar feelings arise and other people act in similar ways, the old pattern is activated. The response becomes intensely emotional. It is difficult to stand up for oneself, and guilt appears. Living through these emotions uses up the person's available energy. It is as though they are still inside their childhood dream.
Exploring roles and checking the present
A similar situation can recall an old experience and trigger a familiar response. In Process Work, I am also interested in exploring the roles that emerge in relationships: who accuses, who defends themselves, whose voice remains unheard, and what might change what is happening.
Let us return to the forgotten agreement. The person may feel like an accused child and see the other person as a dominating adult. It can help to explore these roles while checking what is actually happening now: what was agreed, what the other person said, where our responsibility lies, and where the boundary of acceptable treatment is.
Perhaps that is a lot to take in at once. How do these ideas read to you?
Past painful experiences can influence how someone perceives events and responds to others. But responsibility for pressure and violence remains with the person who applies them. Exploring a pattern does not mean that the person harmed created the situation or is to blame for it.
Taking part in someone else's pattern
How can I recognise that someone has “dreamed me up” into their own pattern, and that it is not only mine?
If you suddenly do something unusual for you, adopt an unfamiliar posture, or use a style of speaking or gestures that are not your own, this may be a reason to explore whether you are taking on a role in someone else's pattern.
How can you step out of this dreaming up?
A first step is noticing that you are behaving in an unfamiliar way, almost “on autopilot,” without fully understanding what you are doing. Your role, the other person's role, and those of the people around you may then become clearer. Awareness and observation can create space and ease tension, although they do not guarantee immediate relief for everyone.
If you notice a recurring pattern and cannot explore it on your own, you can seek support. Together, we gently explore the experience, look for ways to support you, and widen your choices. Revisiting childhood events or acting out roles is not compulsory: we choose the approach and pace together.